Web Feet
{A Bumbershoot Special Feature}

Richard Stevenson

teaches English and Creative Writing at Lethbridge College in southern Alberta. 

His work is widely published internationally and his three light verse collections are Why Were All The Werewolves Men? (Thistledown Press, 1994), Nothing Definite Yeti (Ekstasis Editions, 1999), and Take Me To Your Leader! (Bayeux Arts Inc, 2003).

His most recent book is a collection of tanka and kyoka, Windfall Apples (Athabasca University Press, 2010).

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The Creeping Unknown (Titled after a Red Scare era low-budget sci-fi flick)

Getcha getcha yeah yeahs out!
Wring yo’ hands, jump ‘n’ shout!

Gonna do the disco duck.
Gonna turn yer disc to muck.

Hard or soft, it don’t matta!
Gonna have iton my platta!

Baby, oooh, you know tha’s right.
Don’ you fuss now; don’ you fight.

I’m a ’puter virus, honey!
Gonna suck up all yo’ money!

Gonna crash your system, baby!
Ain’t two ways or any maybe.

Gonna worm through all yo’ files,
leave steamin’, heapin’ piles.

Gonna replicate my code
’til I reach the mutha lode.

Gonna squirm and poke and pry
’fore you even wonder why.

Grab yo’ data daddy’s collar,
make ’im squeal ‘n’ hoot ‘n’ holler.

’Tach myself to his ol’ wagon
’til yo’ virus checka’s flaggin’.

Go ‘n’ scream and sing and dance;
yo’ poppa coppa’s got no chance.

Now you can buy the bes’ detectas,
mount yo’ scopes, aim laser vectas.

I’ll just bide and hide ‘n’ wait,
hunker down, mebbe mutate.

Cos I’m a ’puter virus, honey.
I’m mean and lean ‘n’ smile’ funny.

Sicko Mister Spirochete,
that’s me!So twisty, sleek, and fleet!

Gonna eat up all yo’ money!
Gonna sock it to ya, honey!